What Those People Have Taught

2002-09-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

The Academic Vulture

2002-05-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

The Dieting Fitness Nut

I'm scared of these people. Scared. They put the fear of G-d in me. Maybe it's because they are so so SO difficult to understand. Or maybe because these people have a condition that's riding the border between eating disorder, extreme self-importance, and normal, everyday people. People so CLOSE to being like any other joe, yet so far away.

I don't understand how people can count grains of rice, just to make sure they don't go over their carb limit (the one that they set for between 2pm and 3:15pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays). I don't understand how people only eat boiled salmon and chicken, with no additional flavoring, and say,"Mmmm, this is REALLY good. I've been craving this all day." It weirds me out when people have daily food diaries with little ridiculous comments like,"ate 4 kernels of popcorn at movie theater... so bad, but so good." or "ate 5 twizzler pull-n-peel (cherry flavor)... must hit self when arrive at home to reduce possibility of future occurrence." Who are you and why do you do this to yourself?

There's no use in analyzing... I'll just sit back and wonder, as I nurse my Starbucks iced Caramel Frappaccino, extra caramel.

2002-04-22T04:20:00.000-07:00

The Attention Whore

You've seen them. Prostituting themselves all across the social scene. "Look at me! Look at me!" They scream with their gaping mouths and their gaping self-confidence. They want to be noticed, these attention whores. And they'll do anything to be noticed. Fake an injury? Not beneath them. Imbibe too much liquor? Part of the repertoire. Scream over every conversation in the room? Quite normal. This whore isn't trolling for cash. Their currency is much harder to attain. Attention. And lots of it.

Without it they would shrivel up and die. They need YOU to know who THEY are . The attention whore's two word vocabulary consists of "me's" and "i's." I did this today. I did that so last year. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I. It gets quite repetitive.

I'm not talking about people who are just natural celebrities. Some people just seem to attract attention. That's a whole 'nother type. The stars. The spotlight shinees. The attention whore is something far less than a celebrity. They are the ones with the not quite perky enough breasts (figuratively speaking), the ones with the weak chins, the ones with the too large nose. The ones who can't quite make it. But dammit, do they try hard.

So make them creak. Make them groan. Ignore them. And snicker at the fun.

(attention whores are by no means gender specific)

2002-01-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

The Anal Retentive

You’ve seen them, the people with giant sticks up their backsides. Maybe you are one. Or were one, or are trying to become one. Now, being Anal Retentive isn’t altogether bad, it just tends to be grating for those around you. There exists a very fine line between being organized and on top of things and being Anal Retentive. Some say that being Anal Retentive is just having a lot of foresight and planning. I say it’s ignoring the beauty of the present to always worry about the unlikely possibilities of the future.

“Did you bring so-and-so?”

“You should park by Door C because it’ll enable us to get to Store E three seconds faster. And reverse in so we can just pull out to save some time.”

“We should go at exactly 3:43:21 to miss that car that always blocks the intersection.”

“What?!? You didn’t do it yet? But I need it next week!”

“You’re late.”

These statements and so many more are indicative of the Anal Retentive personality. This initial surge of Anal Retentiveness is not altogether useless (because everyone does need someone to keep things together) but the problem with AR is that it always evolves into something worse. The Anal Retentive, always aware of deadlines and potential potholes, tends to become easily stressed and is oftentimes high strung, much to the chagrin of any nearby friends.

Imagine for a moment, a day trip on a small boat. The Normal is just there to enjoy the moment and if a leak should occur, then he’ll start dealing with it. The Anal Retentive starts to calculate where the leaks MIGHT occur and preps the buckets IN CASE water starts showing up, all the while missing out on the majesty of the moment. The Laid Back, in the event of leakage simply says, “Fuck the buckets, let’s swim.” Is there a lesson here? Quite possibly.

2001-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

The Stress Hound

In college, you saw those all the time... the people who always had something to do (or always thought they had something to do) and would always talk about all the time they spent doing this multitude of things and how they only got 1 hour of sleep for the past 3 nights and wow, look how on top of things they are but shouldn't everyone feel sorry for them? It's not as if these individuals absolutely cannot organize their lives better; it's just that this haphazard way of living establishes some sort of hybrid status for the person in question.

From this mutant behavior comes a few things; first of all, this individual assumes the need for others to treat them with an unnatural respect... almost to the point of fervor. Next, there exists a constant heirarchy that is created via this stressful behavior. Finally, this individual absolutely wrecks his or her own health by never sleeping, always talking, and never really getting anything done.

2001-08-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

The Alpha FeMale

There used to be a school of thought that there exists an Alpha Male. He of the Adonis-like body and chiseled good looks that every woman lusted after. The Alpha Male was the king of the jungle and the lord of the manor, the metaphorical “quarterback,” if you will. The Alpha Male was given instant respect and attention by everyone. The Alpha Male was so physically imposing and talented that other males were forced to cower in deference. As society has evolved however, the might of the Alpha Male has started to wane. Smaller, weaker men have learned to compensate by being more “sensitive” and “well rounded,” causing many Alpha Males to be denounced as bone-headed Neanderthals.

This leads us logically to the rise of the Alpha FeMale. We have all known many Alpha FeMales in and around our lives. They come in many different shapes and sizes (in fact there is a controversial study that asserts every woman is a wannabe Alpha FeMale). This particular brand of diva is like a moth in that she has an irresistable attraction to the spotlight. The goal of an Alpha FeMale is to make sure that everyone in the room knows she is “the sh-t.” Obviously, the existence of an Alpha FeMale is a lonely one because in their subtle quest for dominance, they are apt to offend and affront other females (with the exception of their close knit association with a few good friends who are then referred to inevitably as “my girls”). We now live in a matriarchial society where women are empowered by intelligence, cunning, good looks, Oprah and Tae Bo. This has led to intense competition within the female community for attention and respect. The Alpha FeMale usually achieves her victories over others by doing anything and everything to make sure that every guy in the room notices her and only her. In this childish but effective manner, the Alpha FeMale asserts her dominance while simultaneously snubbing the noses of every other female in the room. The physical dominance of the Alpha Male has been replaced by the bewitching enchantment of the Alpha FeMale. Elite Alpha FeMales are able to beguile both males and females, much to the chagrin of the few who are not caught within her grasp.

If you have any doubt about the validity of these statements, take a moment at your next social gathering and watch to see who is playing the game and who is slithering her way centerstage at every possible opportunity. There my friend is an Alpha FeMale, whether she knows it or not.

2001-08-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Romantic

2001-08-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

The Hopelessly Tragic

If it's one thing I don't think I can ever understand, it's when people feel as though their lives are going nowhere (crappy job, crappy lifestyle, in debt, not doing what they want to do, whatever), but then still do nothing to change things. I'm a firm believer that if you want to do something bad enough, then you can of course being able to go there and how she of course can't go there. So I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this new part of my life I'm trying to create, and I'm upset that she isn't taking the initiative to do what I know she can do. And another thing... sometimes, you really want to be there for a person, help them make the right decisions. But sometimes, the situation is so hopeless, and no matter what you do, nothing changes. This is how it is with my friend, and all I can do is be there for her, emotionally support her, and watch her not do what everyone knows she can and should.

2001-08-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Heretic

It's impossible to porperly discern what an individual can do when they claim religion is on their side. Some internalize their faith, and allow it to transform them into a better sort of being, trusting in the absolute, distrusting that which cannot guide, but destroy. Others use religious fervor to get their way. The latter sort are a motley sort of crew, often never even truly realizing the damage they do until it's too late, or perhaps never realizing it at all. So picture this... a man who leads a group of youngish adults on a mission to change the minds of youth across America. However, in attempting to do so, he somehow alienates individuals in this group itself. He accepts those based on "the color of their skin, not the content of their character." The group is supposed to be inspirational and talented, but the inspiration is somewhat muddled, and the talent is sometimes not even there. He initially wishes not to make the group one based on religion, but he chooses religion as a way to gain support. And on top of this, he takes money that his group has earned, through performance or through personal sponsorship, and wastes it. The tour ends early, people cry, but for what, exactly? Now he uses the remainder of the money to form another group, one purely based on religious fervor, and claims that the previous group was one that was necessary in order to build this latter group, a more evolved and secure one. This evolution and security is apparantly linked to the fact that all members are of one faith, thus their "moral code" is sound and the entire process is easier to handle.
From experience, I can tell you a few things. "Arbitrary" does not mean "diverse." "Elder" does not mean "flawless." "Religion" does not mean "good."